Words to live by (if you were the craziest man on Earth)

(if you’re not a fan of George Carlin’s “7 dirty words” or many others like it for that matter, don’t read on.)

at 8:31PM on a Tuesday night, a few days prior to leaving for LV I sent the following email to an old friend who used to live here.

“I’m moving to Vegas next week.  Any suggestions?”

It can’t get any more innocent than that, right?  Just a friendly, “hey, i’m moving to your old hood. what should i look out for” kind of thing.

at 8:54PM, 23 minutes later, I received the response below.  So needless to say this email wasn’t crafted, just off the cuff.  You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried.  Who needs to go to comedy clubs, when you’ve got this guy to entertain you. Oh, and I’ll revisit the list in a future blog post.  Enjoy!

———————————————————

Your going to want to live in Summerlin or Blue Diamond.

If you want to spend the bucks stay in Summerlin.  It’s the nicest part of vegas…

Don’t Gamble.
Goto massage parlors don’t bring hoes to your house unless you don’t mind things being stolen
Don’t eat pain killers and drink
Don’t try Crystal Meth
Don’t BUY Crack
Don’t Sell Drugs
Become a Male Prostitute
always Try to fuck 2 women at the same time
Everything is negotiable  (Everything)
Cheap steaks @ Ellis Island 5.00 filet Mignon
Orleans has nice local pussy working there and stiff drinks  (degenerate gamblers  That’s where I go when I gamble)
Massages are $80 that’s with a happy ending.
Don’t spend over $150 for a blow job
U can fuck any hot hoe for $300 or less…
Favorite food places  (Makino, Kona Grill in Summerlin (great happy hour excellent place for upscale local tail)
Get a Local ID you will need it and besides you get in everywhere free
Check out these places (spearmint rhino, little darlings, sapphires, seamless, the green door, ricks cabaret)
Suncoast is nice to gamble at also.
PT’s is great neighborhood bar
Try Ecstacy at drais it’s good for the soul

Go West Young Man and This Time Stay There!

Young is of course a relative term and I’m not quite sure who Horace Greeley was referring to when he famously advised in a July 13, 1865 editorial “Go West, young man, go West and grow up with the country.”  Well I’m not that young, but there’s always room for a little growing up so why not.  This is my second trip out here in the last few months but since I signed an annual lease I might as well make the best of what the City of Sin has to offer.

Last we left off, I was packing my things in NYC and ready to start anew in a city that only a few weeks prior I couldn’t locate on a map.  Thank goodness for GPS and the only 1 turn necessary to drive from NYC to LV.  Get on Route 80 and drive 2,000 miles to Salt Lake City, once there make a left onto Route 15.  Drive another 500 miles and when you see lots-o-neon, park the car, you’re now home.  An easy drive I thought (at 80+ MPH – see pic below in Nebraska) for someone who just drove 13,000…but I’d be wrong.

The roads got so icy heading up to Cheyenne, Wyoming that I drove the last 3 hours of my 13 hour drive that day under 20 mph.  One guy cruised passed me doing 40 which prompted me to think, “what’s he got that I haven’t”.  It was of course a reference to his tires and not any deep rooted psychological deficiency.  Vindication came just 30 seconds later as his car started doing 360s in the middle of the road.  He would’ve gotten a high technical score from the Bulgarian judge in the X-Games for his effort.  Luckily there was nobody else on the road for his car to slam into.

I finally arrived and settled down in my spacious apt overlooking the Red Rock Canyon (pic below from my balcony) and Red Rock Casino (bottom pic also from my balcony).  Oh and the new digs are at: 650 S. Town Center Drive, Apt 2023, Las Vegas, Nevada 89144.  The next post will update you on my first month in chilly Las Vegas.  Until then…